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Masking: the invisible weight behind the smile

Neal Tricarico · · 5 min read

Neal Tricarico learned the word masking only after his son Anthony died by suicide. This is what masking is, what it costs an autistic kid to keep doing it, and how the people who love them can learn to see the weight behind the smile.

A quiet trail through autumn woods at golden hour, on Masking: the invisible weight behind the smile - The Endurant Way

Masking is the invisible labor an autistic kid performs every single day to blend in, hiding their real self behind a practiced smile, and research links that hidden effort directly to depression, anxiety, and a higher risk of suicide. I learned the word only after my own son was gone.

TL;DR

Suppressing who you are day after day is not free, and for autistic kids the price can be depression, anxiety, and suicidal thinking that parents and even professionals never see because the smile looks so convincing.

Key Takeaways

  1. Masking means an autistic person actively hides their traits in social situations to be accepted, and it is tied to worse mental health.
  2. Autistic children and teens report suicidal ideation at roughly 20 percent, a clearly higher rate than non-autistic peers.
  3. The signs of distress in an autistic kid often look nothing like the warning signs adults have been taught to watch for.
  4. Letting a kid stop masking is not giving up on them; it is giving them back some of their own energy and self.

What is autism masking?

Masking, also called camouflaging, is the conscious or unconscious act of suppressing autistic traits in order to blend in with everyone else (USC Center for Health Journalism). It is a kid forcing eye contact that hurts, scripting the small talk, swallowing the stims, and smiling through a lunchroom that feels like a wall of noise.

It is also one reason so many autistic kids, especially girls, are diagnosed late or missed entirely. A child who masks well simply does not match the picture adults carry of what autism looks like, so the supports never arrive.

Why does masking hurt mental health?

Because the effort has a cost that compounds. The UK's National Autistic Society summarizes the research bluntly: camouflaging negatively affects the mental health of autistic people and is associated with higher rates of suicidality (autism.org.uk).

Think about what it means to perform "normal" for every waking hour of a school day, then again at home because you have learned that your real self is too much. That is not resting. That is running, quietly, all the time, with no finish line and no one who can see you are exhausted.

How does masking hide distress from the people who love you?

It hides it behind the exact thing adults are taught to look for: the smile, the good grades, the kid who seems fine. The LA Times reporting that covered my son's story put it plainly, noting that the signs of suicidal distress in autistic kids often look different from the ones shown by neurotypical youth (USC Center for Health Journalism).

My son Anthony was kind, popular, and accomplished. He was diagnosed at seven, and we got him every support we were told to get. What nobody told us was that the same focused thinking that powered his achievements could also amplify his most harmful thoughts, or that the effort of masking might be hurting him. That is the part that still wakes me up.

Why had we never heard of it?

Because the whole system is built around a picture of distress that does not fit many autistic kids. Autistic people are often stereotyped as unable to read others, but neurotypical adults struggle just as hard to read an autistic person's emotional state, and what we are all looking for is outward tears and angst, not a brave, practiced calm.

I have written before about how the signs in autistic teens get missed and how the mental health system was not built for autistic kids. This is the same gap, seen from the inside of a parent's heart, and it connects directly to the question of autism-informed prevention rather than assuming one neurotypical playbook fits every kid.

What does it mean to let a kid stop masking?

It means you stop asking them to perform for your comfort and start making room for who they actually are. It means a home and a circle of people where a kid can flap their hands, go quiet, or say "this is too much" without also managing your reaction.

It also means learning what real warning signs look like in autistic kids, not the neurotypical template, because the two are not the same (USC Center for Health Journalism). There are people building autism-informed suicide prevention right now, and the first step is getting the word to the adults in a position to help.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is masking in autism?

Masking is when an autistic person consciously or unconsciously hides their autistic traits to blend in with non-autistic peers, and it is a major reason many kids, especially girls, go undiagnosed (autism.org.uk).

Can masking raise suicide risk?

Yes. Camouflaging autistic traits is associated with higher rates of suicidality, and autistic people more broadly die by suicide at higher rates than non-autistic people (autism.org.uk).

How do I support a kid who masks?

Stop requiring the performance, learn the autism-specific warning signs, and make sure they have at least one place, and one person, where they do not have to pretend. Getting the truth about masking into the hands of parents, counselors, and doctors is the first real step (USC Center for Health Journalism).

Sources cited in this analysis?

If you are struggling or worried about someone, call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org, any time, day or night. You do not have to carry it alone (988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline).